Need help! Romantic matter/ Very rude brother.

[Karped]

Hi Everybody,

I hope I post this in the right place, because I really need help from someone who knows kurdish culture. The story is that I have been chatting with this guy I will call A, but as I don't speak much kurdish and he doesn't speak much english, we can only do smalltalk - nothing complicated.

As he is YPG and away from both phone and computer for days, he gave my number to his younger brother as he speaks better english and I guess because he wanted his brother to keep me company. The brother is almost a decade younger than A and me, and not much more than a teenager ( this info is relevant later on ). He was very nice in the begining, but after a short time he started talking about wanting to kiss me.

At first I thought it was some kind of joke, and I just laughed at it. But he kept on making remarks; wanting pictures of me, wanting to hear my voice and when I said no, he would threathen to tell A to forget about me ( " See if A will ever talk to you again ", " I will tell A everything ", " You hate A and I ", " Forget us both " ), stuff like that.

He also wanted me to find him a girlfriend as I live in Europe, but he would - or could - not understand that I could not help him, and the minute I would say that it was kinda hard, he would throw another temper tantrum: " Forget all about A ", etc.

Last night he wanted to talk about sex, and how he would like to sleep with me. Today he continued, and when I said that I did not want that kind of talk with him, he threw another temper tantrum and even made a recording to me saying that if I had been there, then he would have killed me. He will now tell A " everything ", and when I asked if that included the fact that he would like to kiss me, he got really mad, and now I could forget about A even more:-)

I don't know enough kurdish to explain things to A, and I don't really know if I should. We don't know each other that well; he's fighting in Rojava and I'm in Europe, and I don't want to cause problems between him and his brother but I'm really floored by the brother's behaviour.

He would also lie to me, and tell me that he had just been to the hospital because A got shot. And he would give a lot of detail like how he cried when he saw him there in the hospital. Only when I pressed for answers ( like where was he shot and when ) would he admit it was a joke.

I really like A, and I would like to get to know him better, but the brother's behaviour is really disturbing. I don't know much about kurdish culture, but I know they are very close to their family, and I feel that maybe I would not be believed if I told A ( I have my conversations with the brother in writing, so I do have proof ). Even if things worked out between A and I, would I want to be part of a family like that?

One of the times when the brother brought up his " I want to kiss you " remarks, I asked what he though his brother would think about that, and he admitted that he would kill him, so I am quite sure that A would not approve of that kind of talk. I am very angry and I feel I've been treated very bad. I just don't know what to do?

Should I find someone who can help me write a letter to A explaining what's going on or should I just back out? Any advice/thoughts?

Thanks.

[Anthea]

Hi Everybody,

You do seem to have got yourself in rather a mess

To be honest the first time A's brother mentioned anything to you about kissing you or sex you should have shut your phone off immediately and refused to answer any of his calls

The fact that you were foolish enough to listen to the brother is not at all good

The brother could have been testing you

A will believe his brother and not you

To undo the harm you might have accidentally done to yourself

You must totally ignore the brother

Write to A in a language to are fluent in and leave him to have it translated

Do not mention his brother other than to say you would like to keep in touch with A but not his brother

Write to A as though he is your brother and be very careful what you say

How did you get in contact with A in the first place?

[Karped]

I got to know A through a friend as I thought he was someone else, and then we just got talking. I don't think the brother is testing me ( and there is nothing to test ), I just think he is young and foolish ( with a bad temper ).

I need to write A in kurdish ( if I do write him at all ) as I think his brother is the only one who can translate for him, and I doubt he will do a sincere translation.

Every time the brother talked about kissing, etc. I told him - in a firm, but nice way - that he could not ( and would never ) get to kiss me, and that I liked A.

I find the brother's behaviour quite disturbing ( he get's angry real fast and over nothing ) and I'm annoyed by the fact that he can ruin my connection with A.

I never took any calls from the brother ( only A ). We talked on Whatsapp, and that's why I have the conversation in writing.

Thanks for any input.

[Anthea]

I understand a bit more now

Do you write in Sorani or Kurmanci?

I imagine it is Kurmanci

What county does A come from?

Many of the YPG fighters follow the PKK doctrine of no relationships other than brother/sister relationships

No sex and no marriage just friends

You should not back out as A is fighting and needs all the encouragement he can get

I am sure he loves to hear from you

In fact it would be wonderful if you could find other people to write to the fighters so that they do not feel so isolated

[Karped]

To be honest, I am not a 100% sure what dialect he speaks in, but I believe it's some sort of kurmanji ( I have had a friend help translate and he speaks kurmanji but has trouble understanding A - maybe also because A leaves a lot of letters out of the words ).

He's from Al Hasakah, and our connection is not a brother/sister one. We joke about getting married when the war is over and stuff like that.

I don't want to cause any trouble between him and his brother, but I'm really baffled by the brother's behaviour. I can't imagine my sister doing something like that. It's just so weird - and wrong.

I can tell that the fighting is taking a toll on A, so I don't really want to cut off our conversations, but as I write this, I don't know what the brother has told him.

It is really frustrating.

[Piling]

Just tell to the little bro that if he continues like that, you'll stop all contact that's all, and threaten him to tell his behavior to his elder brother.

In such families, men fight each others all the time, it has no importance.

[Karped]

Hi Piling,

You seem to be familiar with kurdish families. Do brother's usually compete for girls? And when you say fight, do you mean like fist fight?

Thanks for your help.

[Piling]

Do brother's usually compete for girls?

All Kurds compete for girls Or jobs, money, cars, chickens, nuts…

The elder should have think that the younger was without danger, just a kid… or that he would never dared to steal her GF' s bro… So naive

He can kick his ass, yeah. He is the eldest and a fighter so he has some authority (like a second father).

If you care to keep the relationship with the big Bro, then get rid of the little one… until things reach a sort of official status between you (he can not steal his Bro's official friend if he doe snot want to die). No need to write a letter, Kurds have a phobia about writing openly their own intimate problems or sensitive stuff (dictatorship background). Just tell that you do not want to keep in touch with the young one because he does not behave in a right way (do not forget that for a Kurd he is acting in a disrespectful manner with you and he cheats his bro). And that's enough, If A wants to know more he can ask (he has to improve his english and you have to improve your kurmancî.

In any case, stop to use the little bro as a trustable interpret

[Karped]

Thank you, Piling

I do think that lil bro is affraid that I'll tell A, and he has just told me that it was all a joke. I don't consider his behaviour joking, and I have told him to stop it.

Let's see if he understands

[Karped]

Piling, may I ask you something else? Why is it that they don't know their birthdays ( and often don't even know what year they are born )?

It's very strange from an european perspective

[Piling]

That;'s normal, Kurds do not care of their birth date and quite often, especially in Syria, they are registered by their dad in the date that seems better for the kid. So, many Kurds in Syria are 'born' in January 1st, while 50% of Iraqi Kurds born in July.

Many are not very sure of the year. I knew some bros who born with only 4 month between their respective birth day. The father, after having made a bunch of kids, thought one day that it would be useful to inform the State and went to the city to register his children. As he remembered not very well the years for the 4 he gave some dates quite randomly. The funny things is that the State officer did not find it weird.

Some know that they born 'when the snow was fallen', or at the olive season, or when the uncle Musa came to visit the family (in that case they often call Musa as a memory).

No they don't care of birth dates and ALWAYS forgot birthdays , their own and the others' ( mean they forgot birthday even more than ordinary Western men ) They say that the important date if they day of their death

In fact WE seem weird for them, with our obsession for administrative registration. So I suppose an astrologist could not make great business in Kurdistan. They are astonished when they see people like us, who can tell the year, the month the date and the hour of our birthday. I love to say : "My memory is good, yours' is rotten, you are not even able to remember when you born !"

[Anthea]

Many Kurds in Turkey are also registered as being born on January 1st

They are remembered as being born in the year of the big snow or the year of much fruit

Some are not registered for several years after their birth

I met one Kurdish man who was registered as being only 34 - a good 20 years younger than his real age

[Karped]

I love how you know all this stuff:-) Do any of you know how to say " I will find out ", " I don't know ", and " Do you like to fight? " in the dialect A speaks.

Thank you so much

[RomaMater]

I know nothing about Kurdish culture except that it's traditional but I do know something about human nature and, from the description, it sounds like the little brother is just a typical horny teenager; I was one once a long, long time ago. Hormones and all of that biological stuff.

I'd suggest avoiding all communication with the fellow since it will only cause consternation with A.

Good luck!

[Piling]

His 'dialect' is kurmancî. All Kurs from Syria speak kurmancî (as 3/4 of Kurds).

Do any of you know how to say " I will find out ", " I don't know ", and " Do you like to fight? " in the dialect A speaks.

Ezê vebînim.
Ez nezanim.
Gelo tu şer û ceng hez dikî ?