Understanding love and Kurdish men

[Eliza-976]

Hey all,

Lately I'm starting to wonder more about the standards in love and relationship and the typical character of the Kurdish man.
I hope someone can tell me more about these topics, and answer my questions I have. I'm wondering what is normal when you meet someone, how a relationship goes and how common it is to stay together and be faithfull, what is expected from a woman and what is absolutely not done. Are men and woman equal in a relationship, how does a man normally treat the women he loves, are some things accepted from men but not from woman?

[Anthea]

Kurdish men

Kurds are very conservative and they follow traditions

Most men marry their cousins

They do not have what Europeans consider to be boyfriend/girlfriend relationships

Many Kurdish men will never even be alone with their wives before the wedding

As a teacher - personal experience has shown me that a lot of Kurdish men do not want their wives to learn English

Those men who live in Europe would often rather find a wife from their country of origin, than marry a Kurdish girl who has been educated in Europe

Most of the men who go to university and become well educated, still tend to follow tradition and marry their cousins - unless their parents are also well educated

Kurdish women do tend to have more power in the home but they are taken for granted by their husbands

Women have a social life with other women - generally in each other's homes

Men have a social life with each other - generally in coffee shops where women are not welcome

In Europe the coffee shops are often illegal gambling dens

Families visit each other a lot - men will sit in one room talking about what they refer to as 'men's business' - mostly politics and stories from 'back home'

Women will be sitting together chatting and occasionally getting up to refill those tiny glasses of tea

Socially, at the many MANY weddings and other social events, women and men often sit separately

[Anthea]

Kurds tend to get married young - depending where they come from - those from rural areas tend to marry younger than those living in cities

Kurdish men who come to Europe alone are normally already married or have a fiancée waiting for his return, while he is working away

The same applies to Kurdish men in Turkey, who normally leave their wives and fiancées in the villages while they work in the holiday resorts

These women are 100% loyal and often wait faithfully for many years

I should add that Kurds seldom get divorced - it would bring shame on their families

Kurdish men are generally good providers - they buy things for their in-laws as well as their wives

As Kurds spend their days off work visiting each other - their homes are normally spotless

One would never wear outdoor shoes in a Kurdish home

Kurds treat there elders with respect and would never put them in retirement homes

[Piling]

There are changes in Kurdistan concerning marriages, divorces and ways of life. In fact, life in diaspora is always retarded comparing in the country : they keep the model they brought with them 20 years ago. The same for Turks.

For example, divorces are growing in Kurdistan. The main reason is the early marriages. Some years later, if people are unhappy each others, there might be 2 solutions :
– Man takes a second wife

– Woman divorces (now many can work so it is easier).

[Anthea]

There are changes in Kurdistan concerning marriages, divorces and ways of life. In fact, life in diaspora is always retarded comparing in the country : they keep the model they brought with them 20 years ago. The same for Turks.

For example, divorces are growing in Kurdistan. The main reason is the early marriages. Some years later, if people are unhappy each others, there might be 2 solutions :
– Man takes a second wife

– Woman divorces (now many can work so it is easier).

I would say that those living in cities are far more liberated than those in rural farming communities - what do you find in Kurdistan?

[Piling]

Rural farming communities have been quite entirely destroyed by Saddam. Now there are villages again, but their way of life is modelling by cities and TV.

The difference is not between villages and towns but between cities and regions : Suleymanieh claims to be the more liberal and modern, though Islamists get great scores there. Erbil is changing fast because of many newcomers from Iraq and other countries. I hope they won't catch the Saudi mentality.

Duhok is considered as very bigot while Amadiyya has a reputation of free thinkers and their women are considered as bitches by puritan Duhoki

Amadiyya is my favorite place

The evolution is as in Turkey, a raising of middle class conservative mentality, sort of urban bourgeoisie, more conventional than really pious, what we call in France (by derision) les "bien-pensant" : the most important is what people are going to tell about you, not what you think about yourself.

[Londoner]

This reminded me with the old days when weddings took place in our village. My mother was the expert to make wedding dresses. Any girl got married, before the wedding, brought material to my mother with some gifts so that my mother would make her wedding dress.

At that time, love and romance didn't exist. marriage was social necessity for the purpose of breeding. A woman didn't have any saying in her future husband. The decisions made by her father and mother. For a man to get married, he had to buy a woman or do woman exchange like you let some one to marry your sister in exchange you marry his sister. I remember the exchange of brides or moving the bride to her new home took places on horses. Later cars replaced horses. When the bride reached her new home they were throwing sweets on her head. I swear once they threw sheep's shit on the head of the bride because the bride was given as fee to settle an old feud.

Luckily now in Kurdistan women legally have the same rights of men and no one can force them to do what they don't want. Still most marriages take place between relatives but this is changing. Recently two of my nephews got married. The older one got married to his cousin. The other one married to some one very far and stranger. He insisted to marry this girl. otherwise he would leave home. No one knew how he knew that girl. When his father, may brother, visited the family of the girl to ask her hand for his son, my nephew, he was surprised because the girl knew his son and the family approved the marriage without one question. Apparently the girl had already persuaded her family before the visit of my brother. You see still the family plays a big role.