Jusr some inside needed please.

[Melli]

I have been dating a guy from Dersim for 2 years now. I am still married, but seperated with a daughter of 2 years old. I played open cards with him and he knows everything. I have really devoted myself to him and changed alot of things in my life for him as for example taken alot of thing on in his culture and kind of left alot of my culture behind. I love him alot and we have really gone through alot in the 2 years we have been together. He went home for the holiday last year July and when he got back he changed towards me. He is much more closed up and does not tell me much of how he feels, actually he told me a day after he got back that one day he will have to take a Kurdish woman to be his wife. With all the heart ache i still dident want to give up on us and we went ahead with our relationship. Now i am pregnant and he wants me to get an abortion, and i just cant do that. I just feel that this child deserves a chance in life and i cant play god and decide if it should live or not. He is so upset with me and he is treating me so badly saying his life has ended. I have told him that i dont want anything from him, but still he says i can not have this child. I really dont understand why he is like this? If he doesent wanne be around then that is up to him i am not gonna forse him to be something he is not ready to be, or i am i being the wrong one here?? Can someone just give me some advice please, maybe i just dont understand.

[Lost]

hello Melli how you doing, and welcome to Roj Bash Kurdistan.. hope you get what you looking for and enjoy your staying..
your situation really hurts me .. unfortunately no one of human kind should pass through this kind of time, even my english is not good but i'm trying to tell you something about Kurdishculture since i'm Kurdish guy ...
first of all in our culture Girl has so strong personality she would not fall in love easily and they would not lett kurdish guy can play with them the're so aware of this case.. i mean they're so hard to get by kurdish guy cause they're afraid of such a case which you passing through .. Okey but Why? .. because kurdish guyz not all of them but most of them wanna fun not serious relationship.. they want a girl for funn not to seriously relationship when they want a serious relationship they gonna back to Kurdish girlz it's shame on Us but nothing is work.. you have to talk with him about this scene .. did he wants you for funn or serious relationship? where is the problem between you two did he wants something that you cannot give him? did he suffering for something that you cannot give it to him?.. good thing is that you have to talk with him nice and try to attractive his attension and about your abortion .. hell no say no to him .. i'm sure that when he went back he tells his friends about his relation with you and his friends told him that he is just dump how he engaged himself just with you he has to test more of girls and have joy with others ...etc .. pathetic picutre but we can say that when kurdish guys slept with someone before marriage it makes a disaster .. in kurdistan kurdish guys have to marry and then can have things he looking for in sometime that kurdish guys even can not kiss her before marriage .. and after marriage the Kurdisy girls' family not goona turn their back on her they always taking care of her if the guy was bad with her they'll get their daughter back .. but unfortunately in EU or USa or another countries in name of freedom so many bad things happend to girls..
hope you all best wishes and i'm sure that Diri,Evin,allina .. and other members will help you much more..
and feel free to discuss anything you want and share it with us...

[Melli]

Lost,

Thank you so much for your insite on this topic, some how i wish this was just all a bad dream, but its not. You know i have the deepest respect for the Kurdish culture, but also respect for him. I guess at the end respect must also be returned and i just think if he just wanted to have fun with me, then he should be man enough to tell me honestly. At the end of the day it will spare me so much pain and hurt, and i think any normal person that has a heart or commensense should know that now is not the time to be playing games since there is a unborn child in the picture. Look he most probably feels ashamed of thinking that a child should come from me since i have been married already and i have already a daughter, but then again he should have thought about it before he started having the fun. I mean at the end he wantes me to kill his child not just mine in the name of him not having to deal with anything. I just feel strongly that i have sacraficed anough for him and now he needs to understand wether its his or not this is a life we are talking about and i am sure at the end a child should not pay for the parents mistakes.

[Barış]

Welcome to RBK!
Regardless if he was using you or does love you and is doing what his parents want him to do, I would be true to yourself and not have an abortion. Remember the unborn baby is just as much as yours as it is his too. I think he's afraid of what his family and friends will think so he wants you to have a abortion. It may have something to do with you still being married and having a daughter as well... The point I'm trying to make is don't go against your beliefs to please him or anyone.

[Savy]

If he's from Dersim, he is supposed to be lenient about the religion and women, since the vast majority of that province is Alevi. Perhaps, he has gotten caught between your culture and his culture after his visit to Turkey. And in Turkey, perhaps his family put pressure on him to marry a girl from Turkey. Also, perhaps he doesn't want to take the responsibility of a child yet.

[Melli]

Thanks for everyone welcoming me to this site. I wanne also say thanks for giving me a true oppinion about my situation. I am going to stay true to myself and have my baby, as that is the right thing to do even if times are going to be hard. I can understand that he is maybe scared or not ready or has his plannes for his life, but at the end our baby should not suffer a death just because it seems like a quick fix. I am prepared to take responsibliliy for what happend and that is with him accepting it or not.

I just want to ask if someone can maybe help me, i got this sms from him can someone please tell me what he said?

Hayatta bir yol ayrimi ama iki secenek wardir, gitmek weya kalmak, sen gitmeyi terce ettin. ben ise arkandan boynu bukuk yasli gozlerle kaldim caresiz we cok yanliz....

Sorry to ask but i have no one els to ask.

Thanks you so much.

[Savy]

You are welcome.

Here comes the translation:

There are one crossroad and two options in life: staying or parting, you have chosen the parting. me, i left back after you with wet eyes, desperate, downhearted and very lonely.

[Melli]

Thank you so much Savy for translating that for me.

Have a nice day.

[allina]

Wellcome, Melli!
Good that you made right desission and want keep your baby
Yeas, I agree that his friends and family don’t want he get married with not Kurdish girl. But I think that the main problem is only inside of him. Don’t be upset about my words. If he always listens to his friend, so maybe better if he married with his friends. If people love each other, they will never listen to no one. My husband Kurdish, muslim. Do you know how many times I heared from my parentes bad words about muslim? Before my family did not like my husband even more than his family did not like me. But we never listened to something bad.
I don’t understand how he can take Kurdish girl, if he already loves you, if its truth? And he has been with you for 2 years? Even if his family so push him to married with girl from his country, he always can say no. He can don’t married at all. If he loves you and will married with Kurdish girl, what will be later? He will so easy forget you? No, its impossible, if his feeling truth.
But maybe now he just confused and upset because you did not tell him everything about you at first.
If he loves you, he will be with you and do for you everything.
Take care about your baby.

[Melli]

Allina,

Thank you so much for your warm hearted welcom, its nice being here and learning some interesting facts.

Yes i am glad that iam keeping my baby even tho his not happy with me doing so. I love him with all my heart and soul and sacrificed so many things for him, that now the time has come where I have to not think of him or even me, but the life of this unborn child. I can fully understand that he is not ready to be a daddy and all, as i am 26 and he is 24 and he still has so much he wants to do before he settles down. He has been with me for 2 years now and i do believe that he loves me even when times do tend to show me otherwise. I think at times he struggles with himself and his culture. just comming to Austria was a big thing for him and everything so new and different. It took him a very long time before he told me that he loves me, but so with everything it does take time before you can utter such words in my believe. He told me from the start that he will take a kurdish girl one day, but then things turned around and he started telling me that we might just have a futhure together. We he was on holiday last year he even phoned his friends and told them that the next summer he want to marry me. He intredoced me to his family here in Austria and i got to know them all, they all knew i was married but seperated and that i have a daugther. As for his famlie in Dersim he also told them about me and about my situation, his mother even calles me Cane when i phoned to speak to him. So that his why i find it so hard to understand where the problem lies with his familie? Maybe at the end he does not feel as commited as he thought he would be and things are not what he thought they would be??? He even told me that he feels sorry for his wife one day as he will never be able to give his heart to her, so i am also confused as you are about that subject.

He told me that he cant have the baby as he is not ready yet, as he stil has to get himself in order and me aswell and then we can talk about familie. I told him yesterday that i am not killing our baby and that if he needs to leave then he has to do what he has to do. He told me that i must just know that one day when his not there anymore that he loves me with all his soul and being until death. He also said that he is not going to tell me what to do and that i should do what is best for me....so now i wonder is he just playing me maybe???

[Savy]

Melli,

I think he is undecided about what to do. He seems to be an honest person to me. He has conflicting ideas and emotions. Give him some time and talk to him more openly.

[Diri]

Hello Melli - guten abend... Welcome to Roj Bash Kurdistan... Wie gets? I hope you feel better now, than you did when you first came to this forum...

I am sorry to be so late in wishing you welcome - but I didn't see your topic before now - and I moved it here (to the "Introduce Yourself" section).


It pains me to hear your story... It's realy sad to know that children are involved. That makes all matters much more complicated. You have to do what's best for the children - no matter what, in my oppinion - and I am glad to see that this is the position you hold too...

I am a Kurdish guy. And I'm engaged to a Kurdish girl in Kurdistan... I can understand that he is afraid of what options he will lose when a child comes into the picture..

He may have entered the relationship with an open mind - thinking that is may end sometime - or that it may turn into something serious... BUT - I think like most guys, he is afraid of the consequences and implications of having a child: the responsibility and the duties which the parents must uphold...

Furthermore - In Kurdish culture, and all Muslim culture - having children outside of marriage is considered a great sin - because of the problems this may cause for the child...

Many people have already given you a lot of analysis and interpretation - but I'd like to give you some advice on what you should do from here... Apart from keeping the baby (which you definetly should - because it is human life), you should make things clear to him... Let him know where you stand. And in doing that - tell him what your options are... Make him see reality. He may be in a different world right now - because of his fear his fantasies and imagination must be running wild...

Explain the situation to him: what are the options?

1) Leave eachother - and try to limit the pain of separation...
2) Work together to find a solution to the problem - so you can provide a family for the baby(ies)...

Let him know where you stand: what do you want to do?

1) Keep the baby
2) Be with him

Let him know what consequences each of the choices may have: What can be?

1) If he loves you but leaves - he'll have wasted his chance with the love of his life...
2) If he loves you and stays - you will be able to support eachother - and build a home...
3) If he doesn't love you and wishes to leave - then open the door for him and kick him out...
4) If he leaves - the child (both children actually) will grow up without a father around - this will harm them severely...
5) If he stays - you are willing to do everything for him...

I think you must decide:

1) Will you stay "separated" (from your legal husband)?
2) Will you marry him if he stays?
3) Will you accept to integrate into his culture and world (his family and his life)?

He must decide:

1) If he does want to be with you - and marry some day (preferably before the birth of the baby)...
2) If his family will be able to accept this relationship - if not - will they eventually? (I think they will)

You should help him understand: What will he lose from marrying you now - and what will he gain from it...

He's 2 years younger than you - and you are both very young... Let him know that you are willing to be everything he wants you to be - and that you want him to be everything you want him to be... Don't hesitate to speak...

Because when the time has come - you will regret that you didn't say what you really felt...

I pray he will come to his senses and understand the seriousness of this matter - abortion is the same as murder... Let him know his reponsibilities - but don't push him too much either... Still: always speak honestly and openly!

[Melli]

Diri,

Thank you so much for your insight and advice and pionts you have given me. I do appriciate everyone being so open and giving me the time of day with my problem I have. Its not everyday that people actually want to help and do what is best.

I have read your reply 3 times and I agree with every point you have made. I dont want to force him into anything that he is not ready with. If he really loves me and just appreciates the time we have shared together then he must just think of what is best for our baby. I have to say honestly that I think the only way would be if we actually seperate and go on good terms. I feel like I have for so long just tried to be this perfect girlfriend for him that I actually just forgot about happyniss. I dont want him to feel like his life is ending as I dont expect anything from him. I am very understanding and can really understand that for him right now its a really hard time struggling with everything in his mind and not being able to say what he really feels and thinks. I sometimes think he thinks to be harder and more forcefull with me will make me go the otherway, but its not going to work if anything it just makes us just drift apart more.

I am really convinced that he would love to be with me but for reasons he only knows he cant or dont see me fit as being that person for him. So at the end its better that we just part and let by gons be by gons. I dont know what role he want to play in his childs life if any, but that I leave up to him. To be honest with you the comminication right now is minimal regarding the baby as I am just scared of being hurt so I keep most things to myself. I know which is not really a good thing at the end, but i am tired of being hurt or hearing hurtfull things. He did tell me that his sister said that i must get rid of the baby and she gives us 10 days and if we still have not done it then she is going to tell his mother and father and then they will never speak with him again. I feel that ist not necacary to be so hard with him, but i guess that is all out of my controle right now and all I really can think of is protecting my baby and giving it a nice home.

[SinekSekiz]

No need to be Kurdish to answer this question. It is a manly insecurity issue. When a man comes back from visiting his family he always has few question in mind like "Will they like her?" "What will my mom thik?" "Hope she does not make any comment about her hair..." blah blah blah... Because more then women, men takes their family comments serious. It's like showing your girlfriend to your friend and "I am hitting on her, what you think?" but x100 more serious way.

Now I can not comment 100 percent on your case but after the guy came back with all this questions in his mind you give a bomb in his hand and say "We gonna have a baby....". Well I would not go as far as he did but I would feel a little bit paniced about it.

Well there is a saying in Turkey "Bebekte hayir vardir." It's means that your babay might change everything between you. So just do not let him make this desicion for you in this condition and just give birth to a beatiful baby. In the end it might change everything for good. If it does not I am sorry but that man Kurdish or not does not deserve a woman (or at least a wife) at all.

Be carefull in the process. Some eastern men can get violant when they feel paniced. So be calm, do not give agresive answers and just try to be and make him to be constructive. I hope you will get trough this. No woman should live something like this. I feel for you. : (