are kurdish men faithful?

[SadKurdLover]

Anthea I will have a think, but not sure there's anyone that could sit down with us or if he'd be open to it. He is very private.
Thanks for your wishes and prayers that the baby be born strong and healthy also.

[Feyli_kord]

At the moment she should just aim to try to fix the relationship. It doesn't matter if the kid turns muslim or kurdish or christian and english. If he wants to identify as a kurd and muslim when he is born, he's welcome to it. Kurds are accepting people, a small percentage of kurds intermarry with other iranic peoples and their neighbours. If he wants to identify with the english and the christians, that's up to him, which society and community he chooses. I just hope this works out for the best. It can't be easy growing up with parents seperated or father absent. Many people grow up broken and amiss from that. Kurds have a high esteem for honor, and if this kurd has any honor, he'll return and build his family.

[Anthea]

Anthea I will have a think, but not sure there's anyone that could sit down with us or if he'd be open to it. He is very private.
Thanks for your wishes and prayers that the baby be born strong and healthy also.

For Kurds marriage is a family affair and it is common for them to sit round in a group and discuss the wedding

[Anthea]

When someone comes to England from another country to make their way in life - they normally tell those they left behind how well they are doing in their new country - in England West Indians who came here used to paint such a rosy picture of life in England that they used the expression "the streets were paved with gold" - everyone thought that when they came here they would be rich - nobody wanted to admit that they were not doing very well

Often people in other countries assume that those who have made it to England are wealthy - many people living in England spend little on themselves and send most of their money back to their country of origin - if they return home for a holiday they tend to keep up the bravado and take many presents home for family and friends - many men especially from Africa - send back most of their money to build a home for their relations while living in a bed-sit in England

Perhaps your man is one of those who feels he has wasted all these years here and achieved nothing - a lot of Kurdish men suffer depression - has he got a business of his own or does he live above a fish and chip shop or kebab shop?

[SadKurdLover]

He did have his own business until recently, but in some else's name due to immigration status, and there was a falling out (this is one of the reasons he came to blows with another Kurdish man). Now he works for some else for a wage.

You are right, most of the money is going straight back to family and he is buying phones etc for them, whatever they ask for. He changes where he lives constantly and is not settled and yes I know he feels like much of it has been for nothing so far.

[Anthea]

now you have got me feeling sorry for both of you

At least he keeps trying and does not give up

[SadKurdLover]

thanks, yes he does keep trying and I do admire that in him despite his faults. I am still wary of giving too much detail and I know that so far I have only told my side and there's always 2 sides to any story.
Thanks for all your suggestions and input so far.

[Anthea]

You must care a great deal because you have not given up on him entirely

Children should grow up knowing both parents - but a child living with 2 parents who do not get on with each other will suffer more than a child with only one parent

On a purely practical level - it will be much more difficult for you to find a good man in the future - if you have 2 children with 2 different men and have never been married - for that reason alone perhaps it is best to marry and hope for the best

[Anthea]

:ymhug: thanks, yes he does keep trying and I do admire that in him despite his faults. I am still wary of giving too much detail and I know that so far I have only told my side and there's always 2 sides to any story.
Thanks for all your suggestions and input so far.

You could always send a pm (private message) to any one of us - neither Piling nor I will know your friend - Piling lives in France and I live in the English countryside - the only Kurds I see are those who visit me who I have known for years and YEARS

[Anthea]

@SadKurdLover

This has just been posted by aslan - made me think of you - hope you read it

An American Girl’s Search for Her Kurdish Father

viewtopic.php?f=28&p=101026#wrap

[Piling]

In any case, if you want to marry him, be careful of the domestic laws from his country. Most of Islamic countries give all the rights to the father in case of divorce and some legal system disadvantage the wife and mother, so keep in mind that if you marry him and he is his legal father the child will have the father's nationality and if you break up later you could have trouble if he take his child with him in the country.

So before any wedding, you should better look to informations about your legal status after a marriage if it happens. It is easy for him to marry you on paper (without an official wedding with friends and family marriage means nothing for Kurds many of them do it for papers, then run away and it is a hell for the other party to divorce) ; but even after the marriage he can divorce very easily also and keep the child (or send him in his family).

So inform you concerning the legal domestic rules of his nationality. If we except the romantic view of HZKurdi concerning Islamic DNA and Middle Eastern soul he is right in regard of the law : if his father is muslim then he will have that mention on his ID (from the Dad' country) and he will considered to belong to the father, even if he take another wife.

[Feyli_kord]

In any case, if you want to marry him, be careful of the domestic laws from his country. Most of Islamic countries give all the rights to the father in case of divorce and some legal system disadvantage the wife and mother, so keep in mind that if you marry him and he is his legal father the child will have the father's nationality and if you break up later you could have trouble if he take his child with him in the country.

So before any wedding, you should better look to informations about your legal status after a marriage if it happens. It is easy for him to marry you on paper (without an official wedding with friends and family marriage means nothing for Kurds many of them do it for papers, then run away and it is a hell for the other party to divorce) ; but even after the marriage he can divorce very easily also and keep the child (or send him in his family).

So inform you concerning the legal domestic rules of his nationality. If we except the romantic view of HZKurdi concerning Islamic DNA and Middle Eastern soul he is right in regard of the law : if his father is muslim then he will have that mention on his ID (from the Dad' country) and he will considered to belong to the father, even if he take another wife.

WTF is up with this bigoted anti-kurdish bullshit? So kurds just scam western women for citizenship? You're starting to sound like a typical unoriginal western bigot. "MUSLIMS ONLY COME HERE TO EXPLOIT US".

[Piling]

Read the Turkish or the Iraqi or the Iranian legal rules and laws concerning marriages, divorces and children : you will see that it gives often more power to the husband.

A marriage is a contract : better to read it before to sign it. Then you know exactly the risk you accept or not. But you are AWARE.

So kurds just scam western women for citizenship?

Not only Kurds, many migrants do it. But I did not say that ALL Kurds do that and when they do it is often not even a trick : just a friendly agreement. The trouble is that some of them 'forgot' to divorce legally when they leave the place and the woman has trouble later to cancel that union : she has to wait for years before the divorce could be stated.

If you engage ourself with someone you trust whatever happens, that's not a problem. But this case seems not simple.

I am living and working among Kurds since 1991. Don't think you are going to learn me some stuff about them. That would be more the contrary.

[Feyli_kord]

Not only Kurds, many migrants do it. But I did not say that ALL Kurds do that and when they do it is often not even a trick : just a friendly agreement. The trouble is that some of them 'forgot' to divorce legally when they leave the place and the woman has trouble later to cancel that union : she has to wait for years before the divorce could be stated.

If you engage ourself with someone you trust whatever happens, that's not a problem. But this case seems not simple.

I am living and working among Kurds since 1991. Don't think you are going to learn me some stuff about them. That would be more the contrary.

You have alot to teach me about immigration and kurds. Seeing as i'm european and you're the kurd. . I live in the kurdish community, my parents came to europe during the iran-iraq war, the majority of all the adults in my family all live in KRG or Iran/Iraq. Just because you talked to a couple of FOB kurds, have kurdish coworkers, and have read more titles on kurdistan and kurds. That doesn't make you more knowledgable than myself.

My entire life i've grown up and lived around kurds and other middle-easterners, both young ones and older generation, grew up among them and participated in their comnmunities. I know their views, I know their backgrounds, I know their mindset, I know their beliefs. This is something I can't be taught by a european academic. There are things you hear as a member of group, an outsider would never hear. Outside of your work and your co-workers, you have nothing to do with kurds. When you leave your work, any connection you have to kurds or middle-east is gone. Kurdishness to you is a study job, for me it's my life and i live it.

I'm the edward said and you're the bernard lewis in this situation. Edward said actually lived and experienced the world as an "Oriental" while bernard lewis only read about them in the books.

[Piling]

Seeing as i'm european and you're the kurd

Not wrong, if you consider that I spent more time in Northern, Western and Southern Kurdistan than you

There are things you hear as a member of group, an outsider would never hear.

I live 8 years in a Kurdish family.

I'm the edward said and you're the bernard lewis in this situation. Edward said actually lived and experienced the world as an "Oriental"

Edward Said spent most of his life in USA. He is not a Middle Easterner at all, he was a wannabe Oriental (like you).

He was also the one who supported Saddam Hussein during Anfal.

Kurdishness to you is a study job, for me it's my life and i live it.

Your life or your illusion ?