are kurdish men faithful?

[Anthea]

Feyli_Kord
Maybe a separation would be better at this point not sure. We did separate for 2 months and have only just reconciled, but yes lots of compromise would be needed to move forward I think.

You would probably not have to compromise any more than you have to in a marriage to anyone from your own cultural background - this man is not a practising Muslim or he would not have persuaded you to have sex before marriage

Thanks Anthea, lots to think about, I will try to answer you best I can.

Please do not feel you have to answer me - I am just trying to pass on a few hopefully helpful hints

I didn't realise that living together would be necessary for him to show he has a family life here, might be why he's pushing for it so suddenly. An Indian friend rolled her eyes at me when I told her he was back and said 'oh that will be for the passport then'...so maybe I am naïve to think there's anything else behind his sudden U-turn towards us. She has experience of this in her family I think.

I have to admit that I have not been involved in any claims for a couple of years - but the ruling used to be that you had to prove a genuine relationship - especially with all the Africans paying for sham marriages in UK - at one stage a couple had to prove a relationship of at least 2 years including bank statements - utility bills etc - the Home Office might ask why you are not able to join your future husband in Turkey - you have an excellent reason because you already have a child and could say that you fear repercussions from the father of your first child so could not possibly go to Turkey - makes you the ideal wife for someone wishing to remain in UK

I think I will wait for a few months to see how things go after the baby is here and will not rush into living together. Being 30 miles away from each other will not help us to be a family very easily though.

Extremely good idea

[Anthea]

He treats my daughter well, she's only 3, and he has said he wants to be a dad to her as well if I am in agreement.

All Kurds love children

He's never been violent to me or to any other women that I know of, except he has had a couple of disagreements with Kurdish men that came to blows in the time I've known him.

Do you know why he had those fights - 1 fight every 5 months is NOT good

He's never made me feel that he could be violent towards me but maybe violence to other men is a red flag also?

Thinking about this

I don't know if he would still be here in 10 years' time, I'm inclined to think not. I guess if he never gets his passport then probably not.

Kurdish men marry for life - perhaps he really loves you and wishes to settle down

I don't think his sister will be at the birth no, she's 30 miles away and we haven't met yet, plus she has 3 kids of her own to look after. I will bring the baby to see her though and will include her as much as possible.

In Kurdish culture giving birth is a family affair

Thanks as always for taking the time to read and reply, means a lot.

Only sorry I cannot be more help to you - I suggest that you find out exactly what the requirements currently are for proving family life in UK - take care of yourself

Hope that you will become a HappyKurdLover soon

[Anthea]

Human Rights Act 1998

Article 8

Right to respect for private and family life

1- Everyone has the right to respect for his private and family life, his home and his correspondence

2- There shall be no interference by a public authority with the exercise of this right except such as is in accordance with the law and is necessary in a democratic society in the interests of national security, public safety or the economic well-being of the country, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, or for the protection of the rights and freedoms of others.

You need to find out exactly what the current requirements are re proof of family life

Family life can be engaged in deportation cases if the person to be deported has an established personal and family life in the UK (for example, if the person has children living and settled in the UK). However, the courts have been reluctant to find that deportation is a violation of Article 8. Where there is an alternative country in which the husband and wife or family can reside and there are no ‘insurmountable obstacles’ to moving there

[SadKurdLover]

Thanks for that info, very useful. I've already shared a lot and could write a lot more but worried that we might be easily identified now, didn't think of that when I first posted...stupid. Will try to remain hopeful that things could work out eventually, and maybe that namechange could happen after all thanks again for your thoughts and help.

[Feyli_kord]

Thanks for that info, very useful. I've already shared a lot and could write a lot more but worried that we might be easily identified now, didn't think of that when I first posted...stupid. Will try to remain hopeful that things could work out eventually, and maybe that namechange could happen after all thanks again for your thoughts and help.

If i were you, and you know his family is friendly, i'd approach the family. You should approach his parents and tell them about the situation. They might pressure their son into taking his responsibility for the relationship. Or they might not like you at all, if they're not understanding. Family buisness is serious, it would look bad on the family if they have children out of wedlock.

[SadKurdLover]

That is a good idea, but his mum is in Kurdistan with his brother and sister and his dad is dead. He hasn't seen them in a long time just over Skype, but he has told them about me and the baby and I've seen his mum and sister on Skype.
He has an older married sister here in the UK who he lives close to, and some cousins and aunties, but that's it. I am supposed to be meeting her soon, I have already met her husband. I could try to speak to them and find out if they think he is serious or not. They told him that it's not good to have a child out of wedlock like you say and he should try to make a life with me or terminate the baby. Termination was not a choice for me.

Yesterday people were telling me I'm stupid to have him back as he'll never be faithful and that I'll learn the hard way. He is promising me otherwise, says he loves me and he will prove it. My baby will be here very very soon and obviously I'd love for things to be ok, but have to be realistic too. Confused.

[Feyli_kord]

That is a good idea, but his mum is in Kurdistan with his brother and sister and his dad is dead. He hasn't seen them in a long time just over Skype, but he has told them about me and the baby and I've seen his mum and sister on Skype.
He has an older married sister here in the UK who he lives close to, and some cousins and aunties, but that's it. I am supposed to be meeting her soon, I have already met her husband. I could try to speak to them and find out if they think he is serious or not. They told him that it's not good to have a child out of wedlock like you say and he should try to make a life with me or terminate the baby. Termination was not a choice for me.

Yesterday people were telling me I'm stupid to have him back as he'll never be faithful and that I'll learn the hard way. He is promising me otherwise, says he loves me and he will prove it. My baby will be here very very soon and obviously I'd love for things to be ok, but have to be realistic too. Confused.

I'd take the address of his mothers family or his fathers family(brother, grandfathers, sisters, grandmother) go to turkey, hire a translator and talk to them about the situation. And tell them you want to get married/create a relationship. In that case, he'll have no choice to avoid embarrasment/scandal for his family. Parents are very important in our culture- He'll listen to his mother.

[Anthea]

That is a good idea, but his mum is in Kurdistan with his brother and sister and his dad is dead. He hasn't seen them in a long time just over Skype, but he has told them about me and the baby and I've seen his mum and sister on Skype.

Sorry but how do you know he has told his family in Turkey about you? Do they speak English? Brings me to my next unhappy thought - I noticed you wrote seen his mum and sister not spoken to his mother and sister - he could have told them you were his teacher

He has an older married sister here in the UK who he lives close to, and some cousins and aunties, but that's it. I am supposed to be meeting her soon, I have already met her husband. I could try to speak to them and find out if they think he is serious or not.

His family will stand by whatever he says - they would not say anything against him

They told him that it's not good to have a child out of wedlock like you say and he should try to make a life with me or terminate the baby. Termination was not a choice for me.

Termination is murder - I am 100% with you - the guilt people have after termination sometimes drives women insane - seriously bad

Yesterday people were telling me I'm stupid to have him back as he'll never be faithful and that I'll learn the hard way. He is promising me otherwise, says he loves me and he will prove it. My baby will be here very very soon and obviously I'd love for things to be ok, but have to be realistic too. Confused.

Kurdish men save up sometimes for years to get married - they sometimes spend a small fortune on presents to the brides family - the wedding party itself often has more than 1,000 people - there is a chance that your boyfriend has not done very well financially in England and could not afford a Kurdish wedding - that would explain why he has not already married - some Kurdish men really do save themselves for marriage - especially those in Turkey or Kurdistan

Normally Kurdish men do not have girlfriends in their own culture - they have sisters and 100s of distant cousins - their families often suggest a marriage between relations - in many parts of Turkey - the couple will not be alone together until after the wedding

I'd take the address of his mothers family or his fathers family(brother, grandfathers, sisters, grandmother) go to turkey, hire a translator and talk to them about the situation. And tell them you want to get married/create a relationship. In that case, he'll have no choice to avoid embarrasment/scandal for his family. Parents are very important in our culture- He'll listen to his mother.

It would probably work if his mother was in England - but this girl is about to have a baby and there is no way that she could possibly go to Turkey

IDEA !

SadKurdLover do you have a friend or family member who will sit down with both of you and try to help you work things out ?

[Shirko]

Little late to be worrying about him being faithful or not. From personal experiences, I can tell you that this can end bad, so protect the child and worry about him for now. If this guy us his father, then your kid us going to be a Kurd and probably a Muslim too. Will you allow him to have his true identity or are you going to replace his identity? If he is Muslim, then you should at least demand an Islamic marriage, non public for now, this is for the kids sake.

[Piling]

If this guy us his father, then your kid us going to be a Kurd and probably a Muslim too.

Perhaps the kid has the right to decide later if he want to be muslim or not ? Religion a is personal opinion, not a DNA fact. For muslims religion is determined by the father but for Christians by baptism.

Concerning his nation, he/she is half English Half Kurd, father's sperm is not stronger than his mother's egg cell.

And in fact the place where he/she (fuck that politically correct I will write IT) will born and educated will be the winner. If its father steals the babe and brings it in the country, it will be a Kurd ; if it stays in England it will be English at 80=90%

But I agree with you : whatever happened between his parents he has the right to know who is his father and to have a Dad.

The point is : what the mother wants for herself ? Marriage ? Just a father's support for the kid ?

[Shirko]

@SadKurdlover, if you want to keep this guy or at least let your child have a father in his or her life, do not sound anything like Piling or Anthea, listen to what they tell you and you should sound the oppisite of the way they do, that is my advice to you.


@Piling: the baby will have his mothers DNA contribution but he will have his fathers name and identity, he will be a Kurd part of his fathers family and tribe, nit half English half Kurd mixed up screwed up identity. If his father is Muslim he he or she will be muslim until they can make a decision otherwise. If SadKurdlover wants English kids, she can go find N English for that, or her brother can have some English kids too.

[SadKurdLover]

Little late to be worrying about him being faithful or not. From personal experiences, I can tell you that this can end bad, so protect the child and worry about him for now. If this guy us his father, then your kid us going to be a Kurd and probably a Muslim too. Will you allow him to have his true identity or are you going to replace his identity? If he is Muslim, then you should at least demand an Islamic marriage, non public for now, this is for the kids sake.

How do you mean it can end bad? can you please explain a bit more? Yes he is the baby's father but I hadn't thought that automatically made the child a Muslim. What do mean by replace his identity?
I have thought about asking for Islamic marriage but was a bit upset that the baby's dad hasn't suggested it first so felt like maybe he wasn't keen. He really isn't religious at all and describes himself as a part time Muslim, this might be why it's not come up..or he's not serious about me as I suspect.

[SadKurdLover]

[quote
The point is : what the mother wants for herself ? Marriage ? Just a father's support for the kid ?[/quote]

I guess I want marriage but would settle for his support for the child if he doesn't truthfully want me but he's willing to be a dad. I don't want to be married to someone if he isn't serious about me, I'd rather be alone than miserable.

[Shirko]

How do you mean it can end bad? Can you please explain a bit more?

I do not want to get into details, but I have seen this situation many times and I personally been in it. It can end bad in a million ways, but it can also end well, so be positive. We do not knew anything about you or this guy, but any un planned birth out of wedlock is not on the right from the start, but that does not mean that YOU can not make it work out. The outcome is in your hands.

Yes he is the baby's father but I hadn't thought that automatically made the child a Muslim. What do mean by replace his identity?

you dont make the child this, he is born Muslim if his father is Muslim and is a Kurd, these two things you need to understand from now and are out of your control, if you want this to work out. That's what I mean by identity, these are the things that always push away middle eastern men AND woman from.say Europeans in the end, I have seen many many times.

I have thought about asking for Islamic marriage but was a bit upset that the baby's dad hasn't suggested it first so felt like maybe he wasn't keen. He really isn't religious at all and describes himself as a part time Muslim, this might be why it's not come up..Or he's not serious about me as I suspect.

[/quote][/quote] well this guy might be confused or he does not have any idea what to do and nobody is giving him good advice. You should tell him to have knew, what if he dies kr you die after you give birth? The baby will be birn out of wedlock and it will be hard to fix this problem, especially ifbthe vhild grows up and wants to be a part of the Kurdish community ir even wants to travel back to the middle east. Even if youbtwi decide not to get married legally, at least with tbis, your baby can be accepted, and you can easily divorce him after you give birth.

[Anthea]

Here we have a totally innocent unborn baby - we must all hope and pray that the baby is born strong and healthy - this girl/young lady is probably confused enough - she needs to relax now which is why I asked if she has anyone who will talk with them both to try and iron out any differences

The baby does not have to have any religion forced upon it - I absolutely loath the way that innocent children are indoctrinated into parents religious or political beliefs - brainwashing of children appals me